I would like to preface this point by saying that I truly do ATTEMPT to avoid cursing. Although years ago I might as well have been a sailor, things changed in my life and cursing just didn’t seem as cool or necessary as it had previously. However, when you slam your finger in the fridge or someone cuts you off in traffic, bad things can happen to good people. That being said, there are two major reasons why slipping up in front of your kids should be avoided if at all possible.

Reason # 1 They will inevitably repeat it at a time it will most embarrass you.

Your child is not going to drop something at home when no one but you is around and say “&*^&%!” Oh no, that would be too easy. Instead, they wait until your Baptist mother-in-law is over for a visit or until they are in the middle of a wedding reception dance floor, or better yet, they wait until it is Parent’s Day at preschool.

Reason #2 They will rat you out in a heartbeat.

When asked by the MIL (mother-in-law) or the bride or the teacher where they heard such a word, they are going to say Mommy. You hope they will say T.V. or that kid down the street, or maybe even Daddy, but that is not how these things work. So there you are- busted in front of a dreaded audience that now thinks of you as THAT Mom.

So what are we to do? The best choice is to choose your words carefully and not cuss at all. Well, that may work for some of you, but I lack that level of self control. When I stub my toe, you might as well cover your ears. My solution: the fictitious cuss word. We all have them. Our parents had them, too. Here are a few that come to mind:

• Skittles
• F-bomb (okay this one is still bad)
• Snap
• Dab-nab-it
• Fudge (thanks, Christmas Story)
• Spit (careful with this one)

They don’t make you feel quite as good saying them out loud, but they sure do keep you out of trouble. No one wants their 5-year-old getting in trouble for Mommy’s potty mouth.

Oh fiddle faddle, I just spilled coffee on the keyboard.

Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.

Tagged: parenting, humor, children, marriage, blog, motherhood

by Allison

Let me preface this by saying that we are not bitter man haters. Our husbands are wonderful people whom we love to death. If my husband started a blog, the “My Wife Doesn’t Know How to Empty the Trash” and “How Can One Car Get So Dirty” type posts would far outnumber mine. He is the rock star in this family. But we all know that even the burliest of fellows whines like a little girl when he gets sick. If thermometers were shaped like giant pacifiers, daddies everywhere would own one. Be real.

Daddy sickness happens in two ways. Both are equally irritating. Scenario one is when Daddy gets the bug first. He has a runny nose, a fever, a sore throat, the works. If God really hates you he might also add vomiting and diarrhea to the mix. The symptoms don’t really matter. He could have a paper cut and the outcome would be the same. Daddy is laid up in bed ALL DAY. He needs water and medicine and blankets and soup. Or he needs everyone to play somewhere else so he can hole up in the den to watch TV ALL DAY. And you need to keep the kids quiet so he can rest and because he has a headache. ALL DAY.

Now, you do feel sorry for your honey. You love him and it is your joy (duty?) to take care of him. You hate it when he doesn’t feel well. But for the L.O.G., how can someone who can bench press you and a friend turn into such needy mush when he is ill? I mean, come on. So while entertaining the kids, making lunches, driving them here and there, and going to a PTA meeting you also have to play nurse (and not in a fun way). Picking up dirty kleenexes, smelling unbrushed teeth, and maybe sanitizing the potty after a nasty explosion (either end is bad)… this is the overtime work you aren’t getting paid for.

And the kids are super hyper because they know something is up. They know an opportunity when they see one. Full moon madness for everyone. And then when the rest of you get it two days later, Daddy needs to “stay away so we don’t just pass it back and forth”. WHAT???? Quarantined with kids is a fate worse than death. Thanks dude. I’ll give you something to pass back and forth…

The second scenario is when Daddy gets the bug last. You have been surviving on bile and saliva for three days now. You cannot keep anything down and it takes all the energy you have to make sure the kids are alive. And their lunches are made and they’re on the bus and they’re not ironing any animals. And don’t forget about housekeeping either. Daddy is at work during the day, so he misses all the germy glory. He orders pizza so you don’t have to cook. You will see all that pepperoni again in a few hours. At least he’s trying. He needs you to help him give the kids a bath (rookie) and then needs you again to find everyone’s pajamas (don’t you live here?). You wonder if Ebola feels like this. You have been begging God to just end it all for the last hour. Daddy brings you up some water and turns out the lights so you cannot sleep but just roll around wishing that you could sleep. You hear him watching the game and talking to one of his buddies on the phone. Laughing–loudly. Because he feels good. And then two days later when you are recovering and Daddy is sick he utters in a weak, scratchy voice, “Wow, this is really bad. I had NO idea you were THIS sick.”

You want to punch him, but you refrain because you do love him after all. Plus, all that illness helped you lose five pounds so at least it wasn’t a total wash.

Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.

Tagged: parenting, humor, children, marriage, blog, motherhood

Some motherhood matters. The rest is just good for laughs.

by Allison

Free time is a precious commodity. And sometimes, as a mom, even free time isn’t free. It just means that we let the kids go wild for 15 minutes while we talk on the phone. As long as there is minimal screaming and nothing sounds like it is getting broken, we convince ourselves that the kids are probably fine. Fingers crossed.

A friend of mine has three kids with the fourth on the way. A few years ago when I would call her, she would have to hide in the closet to talk to me. This was B.C. (before children) for me, so I thought her kids must be wild with a capital D. I also thought her husband must be a total deadbeat. And now when she calls me, I sprint for the coat closet.

Even if your kids are normally so good they polish their halos as a playtime activity, there is an unwritten law of the universe that never fails: Children will do everything in their power to keep their moms from talking to their friends. Maybe they think the phone will suck our brains out. Newsflash kid: pregnancy did that years ago. So they start in with the incessant chanting of “my turn, my turn.” Or they pull at your legs and arms. Or they turn on each other. Thirty seconds ago they wanted nothing to do with you. But now you are the most popular person in the room. Now you have a phone.

I consider myself to be a pretty balanced mom. I don’t want my kids to be neglected, but at the same time they need to know how to entertain themselves. So throughout the day, I try to play with them some and let them do their own thing some, too. I also try to wait until they are happy and busy before I attempt to keep up the facade that I still have a thriving social life.

But as soon as I hit talk on my cell phone, some great tragedy unfolds and I am needed. Not even Daddy will do. How many times have you been talking to another mom and you get the “I have to hang up RIGHT NOW” line? How many times have you uttered those words yourself? Ahhhh, too many. Too many.

Only others parents understand that RIGHT NOW means RIGHT NOW. There is no wrapping up the conversation. There is no time for one more quick story. No, it is NOW or something catastrophic will happen. NOW or Jimmy will poop in his pants. NOW or someone will paint the dog. You hold off as long as you can, hoping the whining or crying or plotting will subside. But sometimes that magic moment comes when an abrupt CLICK is the only safe out. A fellow parent doesn’t need an apology call later. They don’t need a follow-up explanation. It’s cool.

So if you don’t have kids, yet, but one of your mom buddies pulls this stunt, don’t fret. She is not trying to be rude. But the spaghetti finger-painting that is about to go down in the den is a little more than she can handle with a finger snap and an evil eye. Have no fear; she’ll call you back later from the closet.

Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.

Tagged: parenting, humor, children, marriage, blog, motherhood

Who knew that such a basic practice of good hygiene would one day be such a challenge? Not me.

When you have a young child, bathing becomes something you actually have to schedule. Since when did scrubbing your pits become a task on your To Do List? It’s pathetic. It’s so sad that not smelling like a locker room (or spit-up, applesauce, catchup and urine) takes so much effort.

When you just have one kid and that one kid is a newborn, you might be able to pull off a shower or two here and there. At least they are mildly content with a bouncy seat…for a while. But once your child breeches crawling, or, God forbid, walking, you can kiss your washcloth goodbye.

Here’s a little glimpse into the insanity of showering with a toddler in the nearby vicinity:
All you want to do is smell fresh and clean so your husband might remember how hot you used to be. And just in case you have energy for “marital relations,” you should be prepared–no matter how unlikely this may seem. So, noting that the hair on your legs is so long you could donate it to Locks of Love, you plop your toddler in front of the TV with a little Noggin or Cartoon Network and race up the stairs.

You have about 20 minutes to take a shower, shave, and–if the bathing gods are really good to you today– maybe blow dry your hair and slap on some makeup. That would be a treat. Although 20 minutes might sound like ample time to shower to the rookie mom, your past experience has taught you that at any moment your steam-filled sanctuary could be infiltrated by the little people.

Therefore, you hop in as soon as the water is ready and prepare for a massive scrub down. After washing your hair with Pert Plus (who has time for BOTH shampoo and conditioner?) you slather yourself with body wash. So far so good. But then you hear the bathroom door open and realize your location has been compromised.

Darling Child slides open the shower curtain which lets not only all the hot air out, but also lets all the cold air in. This happens five or six more times. The goosebumps that result make the hair on your legs that much longer. Then Child begs- in a very polite way- to take a shower with you. Technically, she does need one after a slight syrup escapade at breakfast, so you concede. Only now you have to turn the water temperature down from melt-your-skin-off-and-stress-away hot to don’t-want-my-little-toddler-to-get-scalded-and-end-up-like-Two-Face lukewarm.

With Child scampering around at your feet, you decide to risk a shave, even though you have a slight paranoia about her seeing you with a razor. You begin shaving one leg. But then you recall stories of other children who have accessed Mommy’s razor, only to scar themselves for life. So you stop halfway through that leg and figure you can finish up when she’s asleep. For this same reason your underarms also go unshaven. Note to self: no tank tops today.

The shower is not large enough for you and your splashing toddler, so you battle back and forth for the lukewarm water. You don’t want her to get cold, but at the same time you do NEED to rinse off. Because you started this as a party of one, there is a single towel hanging on the bar. Obviously you aren’t going to use it for yourself (what mother would?) so you drip dry while she gets wrapped up nice and snugly. It is at this point that you take your (half) hairy self to get dressed.

I used to wonder what stay-at-home moms did once their kids were all in school. Now I know. They shower.

Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.

Tagged: parenting, humor, children, marriage, blog, motherhood

Petition to Redesign the Store

Dear Sir or Madam,

We mothers are tired of looking like failures at the store. We know that you do your best to ensure that each and every customer has a pleasurable experience, however there are several design changes we would like to see enacted immediately.

1. The Grocery Store Shopping Cart: Instead of having that one squeaky, dragging wheel, an open air double seater car AND a gigantic basket the size of California we propose a Hummer cart. It should have sound proof walls, doors that close and can only be opened from the outside. There should also be a treat machine inside the cart (much like a hamster pellet mechanism). When the child pushes down the button one Cheerio should come out at a time. It should never, ever, be empty.

2. Parking Spots: Handicapped persons have much needed designated parking spots as close to the entrance as possible. We propose that families be given this same right. Carting a child, a purse the size of Montana, and forty bulging bags 80 aisles out into a parking lot is not only dangerous, but also IMPOSSIBLE to do without hoping you get clipped by a car so you have an excuse to lay down for a while. We spend more money at the store than the government does on bailout plans. It would be worth the investment, trust us.

3. Cart Returns: We HATE being one of “those people” who leave the empty cart in the middle of the lot. Please make sure that there are several cart return stations in the parking area. Yes, we want to be good people and put it away inside your store, but being on the news for leaving two or three kids in the car unattended while we walk the 300 yards to the front of the store just isn’t worth it. Hmmmmm, if we have one of those close parking spots (see item 2) maybe we would be able to take them inside? A thought…

4. The Checkout Lane: It was a genius move to add The Express Lane. No one liked waiting in line behind the man shopping for his baseball team when you just have milk and eggs. But we moms need a check out lane, too. There is NOOOOOOOOOOOOO way we will ever have 15 items or less. Maybe you can have a mom lane for people with 40,000 items or more? A DVD player could replace the candy selection. Seriously, having seventy choices of candy right there at the finish line is just in poor taste. In fact it is down right cruel. You can leave the magazines, though   And we do appreciate the stickers.

Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.

Tagged: children, family, humor, parenting, motherhood matters, blog

There was a time in my life when I thought deadly weapons were things like knives, guns, baseball bats, etc. However now that I am a mother this term has taken on a whole new meaning. I have learned that with kids, deadly weapons become things like:

lipstick

markers

pens

lotion

These seemingly normal household items become lethal when placed in the hands of a child. I am sure we all have a story about them. My husband and I went on a weekend trip to New York last February and my children set their sights on Nana. These highly trained soldiers recognized a change in leadership. While they were supposed to be sleeping, they got the value sized tub of Vaseline out of their closet and decided to “finger paint”. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is to clean up something you can barely see. Needless to say, we are STILL finding Vaseline in places one year later.

What did I learn from this? Cornstarch removes Vaseline from just about anything. I also learned that I am not smarter than my 2-year-old (forget about a 5th grader!). Not really intelligent of me to leave that in her closet, right? So moms, arm yourselves against the arsenal of deadly weapons that might be lurking in your purse or junk drawer. Prepare for battle.

Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.

Tagged: children, family, humor, parenting, motherhood matters, blog