by Laura Whitlow
Not long ago, I did a little blurb about my adventurous/challenging/almost impossible search for a bra that fit and defied gravity. I realized going in that I was asking a LOT of a bra, but did not lower my standards and pressed on until my boobies were at least 2 inches above my waist and properly confined so as not to jiggle inappropriately each time I took a deep breath. Well, this has presented somewhat of a problem, since I am used to being able to toss them over my shoulder and forget about them.
Today, for instance, I donned a new sweater on my way to the shop to paint since it was rather chilly. Not long after I began working I looked down and saw that I was paint free, except for a big ole smudge on my sweater smack dab in the center of my puppies. This reminded me of a little episode that occurred one year on vacation.
We decide to go to St. Louis one year to The Magic House. Awesome trip!!! The first thing in the doorway is one of those big walls of…um…peg thingies…where you push your hand in and there is an incredible print of it on the other side of the board. Faces have fabulous detail! It’s really amazing!!! They have these boards you can then use to “erase” the imprint by pushing the pegs back so they are level and you can start again.
Well, my kids were all showing me hands and faces and start yelling for me to try. So I throw caution to the wind and step up to the wall. I walk forward and stick my face in and yell for my kids on the other side to “Look at mommy’s face! Look at mommy’s face!” Then I hear this man’s voice on the other side of the wall say, ”Um…ma’am…that ain’t mama’s FACE!” All I can hear is my husband (who was not the man who said “that ain’t mama’s face”) start laughing hysterically.
I run to the other side of the wall and realize with horror that my PUPPIES have reached the wall before my face did and right below the detailed outline of my face is a very realistic and true-to-size outline of my boobs! I start screaming, “Erase it!!! Erase it!!” and Tom is laughing so hard he can barely stand. My younger kids are looking bewildered, whilst my older offspring are searching desperately for another family to go home with. I finally jerk one of the dumb eraser boards away from a four year old just standing there holding it and start furiously erasing everything on the 12 foot square wall, since at this point quite a crowd is forming.
I thought later that I should have just shown them all by turning around and backing into the dadgum board and leaving my hiney print! Needless to say, we have not, nor will we ever, go back to St. Louis.
about the author
Laura Whitlow only moonlights as a blogging comedian. Her day job is refurbishing well-worn furniture and taking pieces from ordinary to extraordinary with a fabulous business named Rethunk Junk.
Here’s a little about Laura in Laura’s words: I am a busy mother of five – four girls and a boy – ages 17 to 6. Luckily I have horrible insomnia so I can paint at night (can you hear the sarcasm?). I have been married for 24 years to an incredible man (in case you’re trying to do the math – yes – I got married when I was five). I never watch TV, love to play the piano and I almost always have music playing somewhere!
