If you are ever unsure if the designer of your child’s clothes actually has children–or whether the person who created the protocol for the toy your darling plays with has any munchkins of his or her own–there is a fail safe test.
I can tell you without doubt that the following people (gee, thanks) created certain child items having NO IDEA what they were setting us up for.
1. Buttons on baby clothes. HELLO!! Not only did you put 30 million of the smallest buttons known to man (really, did you lift these from the Oompa Loompa infant line?), but then you put them in impossible places. Like the crotch or back. Have YOU, sir or madam, ever actually had to dress a baby? Here’s a little tip: THEY MOVE. A LOT. AND SCREAM. A LOT. So although we appreciate those cute little flower shaped buttons on the back of Sally’s dress, you really didn’t do us any favors. Next time, try snaps, buddy.
2. Shoes with buckles. DUH! Guess who has to bend over 100,000,000,000 times (because what child doesn’t take his shoes off every chance he gets??) to re-buckle those bad boys? It’s not you!!! And guess who has to squint just to see those minuscule holes that may or may not go all the way through to the other side of the leather? That’s right, NOT YOU. We are trying to raise independent children who can put their shoes on and off by themselves. We want our children to have a strong sense of self-worth and have a solid self esteem. And honestly, we just get tired of buckling those stupid little shoes. Over and over and over again when we could be sipping a daiquiri unloading the dishwasher. If you want me to purchase more of your product, take that silver buckle and ______________ (insert whatever makes you feel better) and add some Velcro, please.
3. Belted/buttoned Toddler Pants. Have you ever heard of potty training? Under no circumstances should any clothing item for toddlers have a belt or a button fly. You might as well call them “Wet Your Pants” pants if you are going to pull a stunt like that. Are you some sadistic freak who wasn’t potty trained until you were 4 and want the rest of us to suffer, too? If you are going to keep making clothes like that, I am going to start sending you a few things. Like my bathmats soaked in urine because my poor child couldn’t pull his pants down fast enough BECAUSE HE IS TOO YOUNG FOR A BUTTON, DUH! And some Disney Princess panties, Circo skirts, and Gymboree capris that smell like a public restroom BECAUSE YOUR PUT A BELT ON THEM THAT MY DAUGHTER IS TOO YOUNG FOR, JERK.
I think we should petition the manufacturers and make sure that at least half the people designing our kids’ toys and clothes, I don’t know, actually have children. I am sure that breaks all sorts of Equal Opportunity Employment laws, but I really don’t care. Perhaps I should design a uniform for them. I envision a jumpsuit that only unzips from the back. Sorry you couldn’t reach it fast enough on your potty break or that Johnny was away from his desk and couldn’t help you. Okay, that is a little too vindictive, but maybe then they would get it 
Allison is a mother of three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.
