The Biggest Baby: Some Call Him Daddy

by Allison

Let me preface this by saying that we are not bitter man haters. Our husbands are wonderful people whom we love to death. If my husband started a blog, the “My Wife Doesn’t Know How to Empty the Trash” and “How Can One Car Get So Dirty” type posts would far outnumber mine. He is the rock star in this family. But we all know that even the burliest of fellows whines like a little girl when he gets sick. If thermometers were shaped like giant pacifiers, daddies everywhere would own one. Be real.

Daddy sickness happens in two ways. Both are equally irritating. Scenario one is when Daddy gets the bug first. He has a runny nose, a fever, a sore throat, the works. If God really hates you he might also add vomiting and diarrhea to the mix. The symptoms don’t really matter. He could have a paper cut and the outcome would be the same. Daddy is laid up in bed ALL DAY. He needs water and medicine and blankets and soup. Or he needs everyone to play somewhere else so he can hole up in the den to watch TV ALL DAY. And you need to keep the kids quiet so he can rest and because he has a headache. ALL DAY.

Now, you do feel sorry for your honey. You love him and it is your joy (duty?) to take care of him. You hate it when he doesn’t feel well. But for the L.O.G., how can someone who can bench press you and a friend turn into such needy mush when he is ill? I mean, come on. So while entertaining the kids, making lunches, driving them here and there, and going to a PTA meeting you also have to play nurse (and not in a fun way). Picking up dirty kleenexes, smelling unbrushed teeth, and maybe sanitizing the potty after a nasty explosion (either end is bad)… this is the overtime work you aren’t getting paid for.

And the kids are super hyper because they know something is up. They know an opportunity when they see one. Full moon madness for everyone. And then when the rest of you get it two days later, Daddy needs to “stay away so we don’t just pass it back and forth”. WHAT???? Quarantined with kids is a fate worse than death. Thanks dude. I’ll give you something to pass back and forth…

The second scenario is when Daddy gets the bug last. You have been surviving on bile and saliva for three days now. You cannot keep anything down and it takes all the energy you have to make sure the kids are alive. And their lunches are made and they’re on the bus and they’re not ironing any animals. And don’t forget about housekeeping either. Daddy is at work during the day, so he misses all the germy glory. He orders pizza so you don’t have to cook. You will see all that pepperoni again in a few hours. At least he’s trying. He needs you to help him give the kids a bath (rookie) and then needs you again to find everyone’s pajamas (don’t you live here?). You wonder if Ebola feels like this. You have been begging God to just end it all for the last hour. Daddy brings you up some water and turns out the lights so you cannot sleep but just roll around wishing that you could sleep. You hear him watching the game and talking to one of his buddies on the phone. Laughing–loudly. Because he feels good. And then two days later when you are recovering and Daddy is sick he utters in a weak, scratchy voice, “Wow, this is really bad. I had NO idea you were THIS sick.”

You want to punch him, but you refrain because you do love him after all. Plus, all that illness helped you lose five pounds so at least it wasn’t a total wash.

Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.

Tagged: parenting, humor, children, marriage, blog, motherhood