Who knew that such a basic practice of good hygiene would one day be such a challenge? Not me.
When you have a young child, bathing becomes something you actually have to schedule. Since when did scrubbing your pits become a task on your To Do List? It’s pathetic. It’s so sad that not smelling like a locker room (or spit-up, applesauce, catchup and urine) takes so much effort.
When you just have one kid and that one kid is a newborn, you might be able to pull off a shower or two here and there. At least they are mildly content with a bouncy seat…for a while. But once your child breeches crawling, or, God forbid, walking, you can kiss your washcloth goodbye.
Here’s a little glimpse into the insanity of showering with a toddler in the nearby vicinity:
All you want to do is smell fresh and clean so your husband might remember how hot you used to be. And just in case you have energy for “marital relations,” you should be prepared–no matter how unlikely this may seem. So, noting that the hair on your legs is so long you could donate it to Locks of Love, you plop your toddler in front of the TV with a little Noggin or Cartoon Network and race up the stairs.
You have about 20 minutes to take a shower, shave, and–if the bathing gods are really good to you today– maybe blow dry your hair and slap on some makeup. That would be a treat. Although 20 minutes might sound like ample time to shower to the rookie mom, your past experience has taught you that at any moment your steam-filled sanctuary could be infiltrated by the little people.
Therefore, you hop in as soon as the water is ready and prepare for a massive scrub down. After washing your hair with Pert Plus (who has time for BOTH shampoo and conditioner?) you slather yourself with body wash. So far so good. But then you hear the bathroom door open and realize your location has been compromised.
Darling Child slides open the shower curtain which lets not only all the hot air out, but also lets all the cold air in. This happens five or six more times. The goosebumps that result make the hair on your legs that much longer. Then Child begs- in a very polite way- to take a shower with you. Technically, she does need one after a slight syrup escapade at breakfast, so you concede. Only now you have to turn the water temperature down from melt-your-skin-off-and-stress-away hot to don’t-want-my-little-toddler-to-get-scalded-and-end-up-like-Two-Face lukewarm.
With Child scampering around at your feet, you decide to risk a shave, even though you have a slight paranoia about her seeing you with a razor. You begin shaving one leg. But then you recall stories of other children who have accessed Mommy’s razor, only to scar themselves for life. So you stop halfway through that leg and figure you can finish up when she’s asleep. For this same reason your underarms also go unshaven. Note to self: no tank tops today.
The shower is not large enough for you and your splashing toddler, so you battle back and forth for the lukewarm water. You don’t want her to get cold, but at the same time you do NEED to rinse off. Because you started this as a party of one, there is a single towel hanging on the bar. Obviously you aren’t going to use it for yourself (what mother would?) so you drip dry while she gets wrapped up nice and snugly. It is at this point that you take your (half) hairy self to get dressed.
I used to wonder what stay-at-home moms did once their kids were all in school. Now I know. They shower.
Allison is a mother of two…almost three, and will probably have up to five if her sanity holds. She and her hubby live in Atlanta, Georgia, and are enjoying the joys and pains of being parents. Mostly, they just laugh a lot. To read more by Allison, click here.
Tagged: parenting, humor, children, marriage, blog, motherhood
